“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Like sleeping!
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.