Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*