“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
🤭😂
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit