How do you like your Corgi?
You Might Also Like
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
no one likes gloating
