It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
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Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent