“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Voting is the worst group project
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT