Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.