i prefer mine room temperature.
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.