If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.