Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

imagine getting destroyed like this

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

BRO LMFAO

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad