*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
You Might Also Like
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
How high do the levels go?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.