*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
You Might Also Like
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
me when the borders lift
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
they split up moments later
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.