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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Word!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.