As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
😭😭
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
