Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Haha! 😂

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Teamwork makes the dream work.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.