Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
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“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Quadruple digit IQ
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Never deleting this app.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels