What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
You Might Also Like
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Are we there yet?…
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
thats my bad
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
My dog ate my work from home.
