Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)