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Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
