Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
It’s his time
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”