Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Ion see the issue

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught