Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now