Mistakes were made
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Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Born to be mild.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have