Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

ㅤ

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.