Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not alone. I have ants.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

be safe out there!

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old