Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

on da cob, we all corn

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Nice try Hitler

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.