gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
sistine chapel
