I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
i will avenge u mr van gogh
