If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Fights fire with marshmallows