*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
You Might Also Like
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.