Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
💁🏻♂️
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.