The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
You Might Also Like
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?