You Might Also Like
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
The second world war should have been called world war returns
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language