Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

Aaaa…CHOO!

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

i- i did not expect this

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

getting groceries

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.