Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once