imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
What if all the cashiers are married?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
you gotta be faster
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad