People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know