Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

old twitter is back baby

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”