“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
RT if you could go either way.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go