Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Maths meets science

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics