Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.