Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
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How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I wish I could veto my bills.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.