Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants