Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”