What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The “baby” on the left….
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
#Caturday
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.