Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Chicken bread

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?