To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT