Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.