Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do