Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount