I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison