Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

*Seductively hides in the woods

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.