The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option